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Happy Hanukkah! Sated from today's Free Sandwich dinner, I'm ready to blog.
Gas station sandwich reviews were a big part of this blog's early days, long before the tragic intern incident of '08 and It's What's Between's subsequent Icarus-like skyrocket to superblogdom (pending).
I don't eat many gas station sandies anymore, namely because I don't own a car and therefore rarely require gasoline. But I noticed one of my local bodegas sells a sandwich equivalent -- frozen microwavable sammies for the cheap and incredibly lazy. There's little justification for buying them because generally, another bodega on the same block will sell a proper, freshly made Boar's Head sandwich for a buck or two more. But a pizza sandwich caught my eye the other night. I considered my lack of motivation to cook and, while wondering what a pizza sandwich is, bought the thing and zapped and ate it. What follows is the result.
The term "pizza sandwich" calls to mind a calzone. I assumed it to mean pizzaesque ingredients inside of something bread-like. That's roughly what this turned out to be, though the filling was a sad homage to the glorious foodstuff that is pizza.
Examining the package, a few things stood out to me. One was a well-drawn picture of a sandwich in a microwave with the overlaid text "60 seconds." My microwave is tiny, and necessarily so given my little apartment, so I made a mental note to add at least 45 seconds. I've found an extra minute or two necessary to cook most things. It's not uncommon to read directions (I'm looking at you Marie Calendar's and your delicious pot pies) that say not to bother and use an oven if you have a microwave with as low a wattage as mine. Well I'm sorry, I assumed a Target-bought microwave would cook everything found in a basic supermarket freezer. Cram it (Marie), I'm adding a few minutes and nuking it anyway.
What was I saying? Oh yeah, the package also described its contents as a "Steak Sub With Pizza Sauce & Cheese." Looking back, that's a more accurate description of the "pizza sandwich" my mind edited the title into.I guess Pierre is going for an approximation of the kind of sandwich you might get in a pizza parlor.
I noticed the sandwich weighed 187 grams. Since I associate that number with murder, I briefly doubted my dinner decision. I forged on nonetheless.
The list of ingredients was daunting. Yet when I broke it down, it was really just overly complex assemblies of a bun, meat and cheese. Here are some highlights from the main components, bearing in mind that these are but a few of the many sub-ingredients included:
The bun: (enriched bleached wheat flour, also monoglyceride, azodicarbonamide, calcium stearate, sorbitan monostearate, silicon dioxide (flow agent))
This is jibberish, mostly, except for the mysterious "flow agent," which intrigues me. Moving on.
The "fully cooked chopped beef steak with pizza sauce": (beef, pizza sauce, then: Parmesan cheese, catsup, HFCS, grated Romano cheese, enzymes)
Three issues here. One: catsup? No one calls it that. Get real. Second: HFCS: WTF? And third: Enzymes? That's so vague. I remember little about them, but wikipedia says they look like this, so I'd like a little more explanation.
That brings us to the cheese, and there's nothing too scary here, just: Mozzarella flavor pasteurized process cheese (sodium citrate, soy lecithin (for slice separation))
Fair enough. I like my slices separate. The cheese description is a little sketchy but I'll let it slide.
With the ingredients out of the way, all there is to say is that the thing comes from Pierre Foods of Cincinnati.
Now the review. First question: does it taste like pizza? Answer: no.
Is it good? Not really. Why? There's too much bread, for one. The taste is nothing but fatty meat and fiercely fatty cheese dominating every bite. The tomato sauce is barely present, and could use some more vinegar and tomato to cut through the lipid onslaught. Despite the meager cheese portion, almost all I could taste was the intensely rich Mozzarella flavor pasteurized process cheese. I can't say it was an unpleasant flavor, but it wasn't something I wanted a mouthful of, either.
The pizza sandy tasted like a subpar freezer case White Castle slider, with extra cheese and a bit of tomato flavor. Honestly, that's appropriate given the price (approximately $2.50 -- I don't remember) and source. On a universal scale, this was a terrible sandwich. But within the desperate late night bodega environment, the Pierre Pizza Parlor Sandwich delivered, meeting its expectations. A good sandwich? No. A good sandwich for someone unwilling to assemble real food at an hour most people are asleep? Yes. Hence, a solid 2.5 on the Husson Sandwich Scale.
So I wrote the novel. According to NaNoWriMo.org, that makes me a winner. Indeed, I won at the game of spending all my free time in November writing about a dude working in a movie theater, and it feels ... well, I hesitate to say good, but it feels better than bad.
Despite reading the rules and knowing better, I was hoping my victory would bring me some kind of sweet prize. At the very least I was hoping for a copy of Madden '10 for Xbox 360. Instead, I received an image file, and a tiny .png at that. I prefer .jpgs, frankly. But enough griping -- I went into this thing with open eyes, and I can't say I regret doing it.
Since I won this major award, I might as well display it. There it is. Aligned right because it looks better over there. You may be wondering whether my 50,000 words of frantic literary spew included a lot of sandwich content, and it's a great question. The answer is no, although there is excessive description of the protagonist eating a sandwich at a bus stop at the beginning of a pivotal scene that I never finished. Yet I wrote 3,997 words (yes, I counted) about bagels. Go figure.
If you've read this far, I'll treat you to the point. Having completed the novel, I'm now free to do other things, including update this blog sporadically. Apparently I've had 10 days of free time already though it doesn't feel like it. But "I will be updating again," as I'm falsely promised so many times before.
What's in store? What isn't in store!? Actually, very many things aren't in store, so let me start over minus the bogus hype.
What's in store? A post about the amazingly affordable Pierre Pizza Parlor Sandwich for one thing! Also, my thoughts on the exciting new sandwich called the Italian Beef! I can't wait!
It's hard to compete with Christmas' presents, but Thanksgiving makes a strong case for Best Holiday. I'm thankful for a lot of things, but right now, I'm thankful for Thanksgiving itself. Kinda meta in a folksy way.
I'm running an old photo here because I can't be bothered to ask permission to steal someone else's right now. Happy Thanksgiving!
OK, today's Serious Eats newsletter put me over the top. I have to say something. Today's SE email had a link to their article about Bleecker between 6th and 7th Ave., what they call New York's "Sandwich Alley." I've never dined there that I recall. They talked about Murray's (where I've only eaten ice cream) grilled cheeses, lobster rolls (my most memorable came from McDonald's in Boston) and what they claim to be "the best sandwich in Sandwich Alley."
Oh I am slacking. Why? Lots of reasons. I do have about six sandwich articles hibernating in my drafts pile. They're waiting for me to edit them, but I've opted not to for the last few months, citing business reasons, also, laziness. If you're curious, my most recent ones unwritten posts are about pregnancy, Hawaiians and peanut butter. They may never see the light of day. Meanwhile, my tomato sandwich post is completely outdated, having passed its seasonal relevancy for 2009. Oh well.
So what's new? Now I have a good excuse not to update this blog. I'm writing a novel, and I only have 30 days to do it. It's a challenge called National Novel Writing Month, and I've accepted, agreeing to write a 50,000 word novel by the end of November. At this moment of procrastination in the very early hours of Nov. 7, I'm at 11,016, which I'm pleased with. That means I'm on pace, even if the novel's nowhere near coherent yet. I expect to fill a good chunk with sandwich descriptions when I get stuck. But point is, it's keeping me busy.
There you have it; that's where I'm at. I have the best excuse to date for not updating this blog, so there. If you have your own sandwich thoughts, send them my way, and I'll update the site via you.
Chick-fil-A is doing a Labor Day promo today where you get a free Original Chicken Sandwich for wearing something with a sports logo on it.
Uncomfortable as I am with shilling for Big Sandwich, their Original Chicken Sandwich is in fact one of the best sandies on the market. Go get a free one and get it with Polynesian Sauce. Pro Tip: Only sauce the sandy with about half the container. Use the whole thing and you WILL over-sauce your sandwich and ruin it. I'm serious.
Now I need to figure out where the closest Chick-fil-A is. For some reason, the only one east of Colorado I can think of is at the Orlando airport. Through tempted, I don't think I'll be making the flight just for this promo.
Courtesy of Viet-Nam Banh Mi So 1. Review pending. Initial thoughts: delicious. Heavy on the pork and cilantro but no problems there. Ordered it "spicy" but it only had a slight kick. Overall: excellent sandy.
This is the by-product of a long subway ride with nothing interesting to read.
"Double down or hit me?"
When meat supplants bread
And sandies' order's denied
Is anyone safe?
"What would Plato eat?"
Sandwich perfection
Which is better: less or more?
Consider Katz's
"Tomato sandwich"
Minimalism
Seasonal fruits sliced, piled high
Let their taste shine through
"Banh mi"
Radishes that mock
Our lunch monoculture
Ban me from turkey
"Free break room sandwich"
Where did it come from?
Sandwich wizards suspected
Thanks, mundane Merlin!
"Mayo vs. mustard"
Creamy or spicy?
Dijon, stone ground reign, but still
Not an easy choice
Examining the package, a few things stood out to me. One was a well-drawn picture of a sandwich in a microwave with the overlaid text "60 seconds." My microwave is tiny, and necessarily so given my little apartment, so I made a mental note to add at least 45 seconds. I've found an extra minute or two necessary to cook most things. It's not uncommon to read directions (I'm looking at you Marie Calendar's and your delicious pot pies) that say not to bother and use an oven if you have a microwave with as low a wattage as mine. Well I'm sorry, I assumed a Target-bought microwave would cook everything found in a basic supermarket freezer. Cram it (Marie), I'm adding a few minutes and nuking it anyway. 
Now the review. First question: does it taste like pizza? Answer: no. 
